HAPPY 14TH, BIRTHDAY TO MY SON, JORDAN!

Love you forever.
Through the good days and bad.
Unconditional Love is my Kind of Love to you and your brother and sisters.
Praying for all the best for you in life.
So proud of the kind guy your growing up to be.
God Bless you always, my firstborn baby boy. xoxoxo

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keep holding on....

keep holding on.
and that i am.
everyday.
everynight.
always.
when you kiss your godmother on her forehead right after she has passed onto heaven, as she lays in her living room, eyes still open...she felt cold on her forehead when i kissed her...she was gone, gone from this world. we all gathered and hugged and talked as she layed gone right next to us.
it was surreal.
i couldn't stop crying.
her son, who is not a hugger, held onto me so tight and sobbed...
her daughter, went in her room and got me cards that Auntie Barb had planned to give us years  back, with her signature "love Auntie Barb xoxo"
i will forever cherish those cards.
That was December 16, 2012, the day after the horrific tradegy in Newtown, Conn.
I had to tell myself and my cousins, who had just lost their mother and my own mother, who had just lost one of her best friends and dearest cousins...that Auntie  Barb is now with those precious angel children.  Just as she was a school secreatary for so many years...taking care of many babies day to day at the Paul Revere School...she was now the angel secretary taking care of those precious babies taken from their elementary school in Newtown...she was their angel and they were now hers.
that's how we keep holding on...
everyday.
everynight.
always.......

Keep Holding On....that's what I do, every single day for my babies...

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PHILLIP PHILLIPS (playlist)

so complicated...

so misunderstood..
so much judging..
so opinated...see you do the same.

for one minute....just let go...just let go of judgement...cause if you love God and believe in God..that really is up to him/her...

for one second..just let go....of hate..of doubt...of judgement....of other's choices and other's love....then we will all be one...
we will all be.

pretty pretty please don't you ever feel like your less then perfect.

so tired of all judging...of all being mean or hateful or intolerant....just be...just love...just accept the differences and choices of others...cause a loving
God does.
Please share hugs...share peace...share love..share laughs...share booty shakes....it's the only way to survive.
no one is better or worse then anyone else..
no one is prettier or uglier then anyone else...if they have an open heart and a loving heart....let love rule...then nothing can hold us down...

fuck em all...and by all i mean the mean...hatefullll.judgememtal...narrowminded...close minded...cult like...extremists.....the hate will never win..
only
LOVE
WINS.

Don't Give Up On Me......

day what?

ok not only off the wagon but off the whole train track!
yep.
that's me
no consistency
whatsoever.
but
i am not allowed to beat myself up about my failures and let downs to myself.
i just
keep
on
keepin
on.
this memorial day was so fun and fun includes food and drinks up in this love shack!!
movie day with the kids, absolutely includes a big bag of ridicuously expense buttered popcorn and a big ol' pepsi.
then
what was going to be a little cookout gathering turned into a big shabang in our little shack.
steak tips.
grilled goods.
ceasar salad.
luberto's italian pastry..cannoli's...italian cookies, cupcakes, cheesecake.
chips
drinks
fun
fattening
weekend.
i wish i could honestly and proudly say i did so good and resisted all that good stuff but i'd be lying and then i would be double ashamed...one for caving,...two for lying about it.
so
i
caved.
ate like a caveman
and now forgot what day i was on for this life changing way of life...eating...moving...
back on track, praying not to slack...atleast not until this upcoming Saturday which will be my birthday and that is a total cave day!!!
tomorrow  zumba for a cause...relay for life...all proceeds and booty shakes dedicated to fighting cancer!
amen.
God Bless.
love & peace.

day 3.

epic fail.
breakfast   waffles with syrup...yep fell right off the wagon, i was starving after last nights intense zumba class...
green tea

lunch    turkey/cheese sandwich and some salami and cheese rolled up and 5 nutter butter cookies  and a one hundred calorie bag of chocolate covered pretzels
big glass of iced water with lemon

dinner    grilled chicken with caesar salad, one corn on the cob and another salami and cheese sandwich! wowzers i f....ed up today big time...then after dinner a weight watchers red velvet mini ice cream sandwich and like 4 pieces o twizzlers...

not going to beat myself up over it, on the bright side, i did walk 30 minutes fast and didn't drink one alcohol beverage...so I'm proud, a little.
tomorrow is another day
and
i
will
do
better,
good night.

day 2

day 2.
breakfast:  one banana sliced with peanut butter into sandwiches.
                  one medium iced coffee, cream, 1 sugar
lunch:        salad with an oz of chicken salad on it.
                  ice water with lemon
snack:         more frozen banana peanut butter slices
dinner:       shall be????     probably grilled chicken on a caesar salad and a nice class of booty shakes
                   Zumba tonight!!! that's right...booty shakes, booty shakes...boooooty shakes!!!!
lots of ice water
home.
shower.
read.
pray.
sleepy sleepy.
night. night.

for me

this is for me and only me.
i
have
had it...
starting a new journey for myself...i am going to keep a journal right here on this weak blog, that no one views, just for me, to keep track of what i eat daily.
i am not happy with my body, how i feel, how i look, how my clothes fit, how unhealthy my very high chloresteral is, i need to be around my 4 babies.  and i need to do this for myself and my kids.

baby steps.
i am just setting out to lose ten pounds at a time, though 50 is my goal, that's too overwhelming of a goal for this big little mama right now, so baby steps.

my daughter took a picture of me about 3 years ago

'no more french fries for  my mama for a long time!

 and i can honestly remember that is when i went into a bad depression soon after this picture was taken, for reasons i will not write about, but in my mind i just stopped caring about myself...i ate, i didn't exercise as i use too and i just gave up...
now i am ready to try,
not giving up no more.

today's food intake for may 21, 2013:   breakfast 1 plain donut.  1 medium iced coffee.
                                                              lunch  1 ounce of tostito's with salsa and 2 cups of ice water with lemon.                                           dinner:  grilled chicken, cup of corn, cup of rice pilaf, water with lemon.
snack: frozen banana sliced peanut butter sandwiches.
done.
gn.

Boston Strong~ Forevaaaaaa!!!!

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Bridge of Light...

i close
my
eyes
 and
thank
God
for music.
for this song.
for
Pink,  for creating this song.
Thank you.

Amen.

Pray for Boston.

It's school vacation week here in the Boston lands.  Always a tradition to have April School vacation, always a tradition to wake up on Marathon Monday and see all the inspiring, incredible runners setting out for 26.2 miles of fresh air, (many times) sunshine, with pure determination to cross that finish line.
That's how it has always been.
Year after year
a special traditional day
a happy day of accomplishment
This year
a devastating day
one of the saddest
horrific days
How does this even happen?
How can this be for real?
HEARTS BROKEN.
LOSS UNBEARABLE.
WHEN I SEE THIS PRECIOUS BABY BOYS FACE, MARTIN RICHARD.

HOLDING THIS SIGN, THIS PROFOUND SIGN THAT MARTIN MADE AT SCHOOL TO HONOR
the boy, Trayvon Martin, who was senselessly shot walking home from a convenince store wearing a hood.
Now Martin has been SENSELESSLY taken.
We must all honor, Martin Richard and his words.
And all the victims so  senselessly taken on April 15, 2013.
So blessed.
So grateful.
So appreciative
to be BOSTON STRONG.
UNITED AS ONE.
ALWAYS.

A letter written by Ana Marquez-Greene's Mother Nelba

Ana was one of the 26 innocent, killed at Sandy Hook Elementary School on 12/14/12

Sweet baby girl,

Three months with Jesus. I know you are having fun... but, I cannot imagine living the rest of my life without you. 

There is no escaping the pain. Your brother is in unbelievable pain. He gouges your name into everything he can find...and he remembers you every minute of every day. 

These are some of the reasons I am still alive: a) the unshakeable knowledge that if I ended my own life it would not bring me to where you are, b) your brother needs me and c) I have a job to do.

My hands miss combing your thick brown hair. My eyes miss delighting in your growth. My lips miss kissing your chubby cheeks. My ears miss hearing the laughter of siblings in our house. My nose misses the smell of the folds of your neck. My cheeks miss your sloppy kisses. The breasts that nursed you faithfully for your first year of life...ache. And I miss your notes under my pillow. My womb was robbed. A warrior has risen.

Here is my battle cry:

Guess what, America? You have my daughter's blood on your hands. And I will not be bullied into being quiet.

2 Timothy 1:7 – “For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.”

32 people will die today from a gun tragedy. That's 32 humans.

Before Newtown, our leaders KNEW that we were burying - on average - one child every two weeks in Chicago alone. One CHILD every two weeks! And yet they did nothing. Before my dead first grader even had a funeral, Wayne LaPierre was already espousing hatred on the airwaves. I can't help but wonder if he's ever actually had to look at the body of child riddled with bullets. Yet I cannot bring myself to hate him. He is a lost soul and does not represent a good number of compassionate gun owners. I wonder what he's doing Easter week end? Mr. LaPierre, you're welcome to come to Sandy Hook and explain to my son why we have one less place setting. You can even sleep over and stay in Ana's empty bed.

I've spent the past few weeks quietly listening and watching and here's what I see:

Many mental health advocates saying "Hey don't look at us. This is a gun issue".

Many gun advocates saying "Hey don't look at us. This is a mental health issue".

Many in the video game industry saying "Hey don't look at us. We have nothing to do with this. It's a gun and mental health issue."

Guess what, America? You have my daughter's blood on your hands. And, there is only one option now: UNITE for common sense solutions to address our culture of violence.

Many days are hopeless and dark for me. I pray for peace and restoration.

My friends and lovers of all things Ana stood for: peace will not come without cost. My family and many others have paid the ultimate price.

Please encourage your leaders to advocate for common sense legislation that addresses comprehensive changes to our mental health, video game and gun laws.

Tell them we don't believe we should have to pick between protecting our rights and our children. Tell them we want new, innovative approaches to these problems. Tell them you know there is enough middle ground. Take the time to write and call your representatives.

The teddy bears are nice. Your letter and calls would be even better.

Mothers, fathers, grandparents, care-givers, Americans: make your voices heard, and spread this message. On behalf of Ana and the 32 people who will die today...

We love you. Thank you for your prayers, love and support, donations, kind words, and acts of kindness done in Ana's name.

All reminders that - in the midst of all of this - Love IS winning...

Sincerely,

Ana's mom

Remembering Ana Márquez-Greene

At a loss for words today....

LOVE.

watching the grammy's.
was a little bored..
then
alicia and maroon 5, 4, 3,2, 1 came on and they rocked it out on that grammy stage!
my
favorite
performance
so
far.

got hooked
on
here comes honey boo boo..
never
ever
watched
it
before
and
today
being all 26 inches of snowed in..
bella and i were all movie(d) out and even a little disney channeled out..
so
tlc had a marathon for
here come honey boo boo..
little bit like watching a train wreck,
just
couldn't turn away,
Lord
forgive
me...
with all the farts,
nose picking
and
the husband aka (Sugar Bear)
saying how sexy Mama June looks with her blonde hair did...
it's great!
love it...love
real.
love
aunthentic..
love
funny..
love
fun.
love
normal
down to earth
peeps.
and
we are
also
hooked on
GATOR BOYS
those
Gator's are
fascination
and
I am always praying for those
sweet
Gator
Boys.

be safe.
be careful.

peace.

Back to my arms, they will hold you........

Make a picture slideshow

no one fucken leaves one comment on my blog.
i am done!

no i am not.
but it is just so disheartning when no one comments
no one
validates
you.
no one
cares..

that is what you feel....

For my daughter, Isabella Laila Toledo